Like Ice... Numbing...

I just woke up and it's 3:23pm now. I practically wasted more than half my day sleeping. I feel so spent. My biking episode with Jaycee yesterday left me with scratched legs, a bruised knee and an elbow that's badly bruised and scraped.

I thought I could escape you. I thought I could avoid thinking of you. It just proves that I'm not safe even when I'm asleep.

You were there again. You've been in my dreams for the past week and I've been losing so much shut-eye because of that. I don't want to admit it and I've been trying to hide it... I can't help it. I can't deny the fact that I miss you so much.

Whenever I hear your name, I feel so many things. I feel so ecstatic, yet so melancholic... I feel so excited, yet so disappointed... I feel like I could jump off some building out of sheer happiness and at the same time I feel like slinking off to sulk in some corner away from everyone.

I'm not forcing it... I'm not forcing anything... It's just in me to be like this. When everyone has said everything they could, what happens then? When all pieces of advice have been exhausted, then what? You can only listen to so much right?

Will you ever listen to me? I wonder if you'll ever see through this facade.

I've been trying to observe myself these past few days. People say I'm just too nice for my own goddamn good. Is this true? What is my real side then? What personas could I be hiding away from the world I live in? Perhaps I'm destroying myself... slowly...

I guess I'm only good for laughs then. I'll always be the funny, silly nice guy anyway. I'm not worthy of anything else. I will always be the missing piece, the other half, the insignificant other...

...

How do you not get hurt?

Such A Long F*cking Day

La la la la la... La la la la la... La la la la la la...

Now you might be wondering why these lines are up there. Yes, I have become the victim of the infamous L.S.S. or Last Song Syndrome. Thank you, Frannie Medina for allowing this to happen to me.

Darn you, Francesca Juanita Ernestine Zaldar-something Medina. *Hee Hee*

I'll be honest.

Well, I'm now in love with the song. I just adore the lyrics.

...

It's so me. It's so you. It's so us.

...

The Future Freaks Me Out - Motion City Soundtrack

I’m on fire and now I think I’m ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
Go!

Betty won’t stop listening to modern rock
How she hates to be alone
I try to compensate her lack of love with coffee cake
Ice cream and a bottle of ten dollar wine she says hey
I rock the Haro sport
I rock the cowgirl blues
I rock too fast for love I’m footloose in my Velcro shoes
What’s up with Will and Grace?
I don’t get drum and bass
The future freaks me out

I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh, oh, oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down

Betty can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist
How come we’re so alone
We waste away the days with nicotine and television samples
From an era we hate to admit we embrace
We fail to represent
We fail to be content
We fail at everything we ever even try to attempt
And so the story goes
As only Betty knows
It’s time to take control(Get Down)

I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh, oh, oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste my time with her

Betty, I need you
I miss you
I’m so alone without you
To call up on the weekends with my cellular phone

Betty it’s so hard to relate
To the whole human race
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know where to begin
If we can both find a way
To do the things that we say
We might not sit in our rooms
And drink our daydreams away
Betty, I’m a dreamer
No, I’m not a vicious screamer
Oh Betty won’t you.. ah fuck it

I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh, oh, oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down.

Why?

Why do we wait? I mean waiting in general. When you wait, you let time pass. Everything's so contradictory. Isn't time precious? So why wait, right?

But I love waiting. The very act gives me so much time to reflect on a lot of things and issues that bother me. Waiting may come in many forms. I could be waiting for a friend who's taking his PE class. I could be waiting for my change from one of the stalls in the college cafeteria. I could be waiting for the red light to turn green while driving.

To wait is to burn time's lifeline. In burning time or as we say in "killing time", we waste endless would-be life-changing opportunities. It's ironic how some can say that they've lived a full life even though they've spent a lifetime waiting in vain for something they've never ended up getting.

Waiting may be a waste of time. Waiting may be a way of showing how important something matters to you. Waiting can mean a hullaballoo of things.

So while waiting, what do you do?

Now there's a question... Hmmm there are so many possibilities... I mean, why just sit around?
Do we have to be immobilized by waiting? I'm coming to learn that waiting is something very powerful. "It" (waiting) can show how much of a person you are. It shows you how worthwhile the things you're accomplishing are.

Imagine that... Who would expect that this simple act can play a defining and influencial part in our lives?

In life, I have been waiting for so many things. Some disappoint while some allow me the grace of happiness and contentment... Maybe someday, I will learn how not to wait for things.

Waiting is the act of expecting. How do I lie waiting but not lie expecting at the same time?

Father's Day

I just got up now. It's kinda late coz it's nearing noon already. My body kind of aches from all my jumping and biking late last night. I think I biked about 13km. I actually don't know what to type about today.

I hate Sundays... Sundays are too peaceful.

I'm feeling empty now... What's wrong with me? I have friends and close friends I can count on to make me feel better naman. I've got alot of things at my disposal if it's only boredom I'm facing. There's the car, and I could drive away... There's my PC and I could chat with whoever's online... There's the TV... This is really frustrating.

"I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve. I have a history of taking off my shirt."
I guess that line really suits me now.

What's missing? What's this emptiness? Well, anyways, I need notebooks for school. I'll be going to National Bookstore later. Dammit.

This is a really cute picture :) yeah baby! My smile's too big tsk tsk

First Day Blues

I was really hyped up about today. I guess I was expecting too much again. That all too familiar feeling coursed through my veins as soon as I stepped into the SEC A 116 A room. I was finally going to start my first day in college with Mathematics.

Of all subjects...Math! I found this a bit ironic. I barely left high school because of Math and now I'm starting my college life with it. I guess old habits die hard. Well, fate seemed to smile upon the whole of C2 and the other block in the room with us for our professor didn't arrive on time. My mistake. He didn't show up at all. Is this a sign of things to come? A life in the Ateneo without Math?? Yessuh!!! I can't help but smile thinking of it.

But of course, let's snap back to reality. There will be a next class. Looking back, it was quite unfortunate that we weren't able to meet our Math professor. *grumble* As of now, I'm sure we're lagging behind because of today's "fiasco".

Hmmm...What else happened today? Oh there! We had our Filipino class in the Kostka building. I was a bit edgy because of that stupid proficiency test. I feel so pathetic man... That test was way difficult. I was fucking stumped during the first part alone... Imagine my grief upon learning we had to answer almost 10 to 12 pages worth of it.

My imbecility is utterly amazing!!! I want to totally die from shame!!!

*grumble*

Well, looking on the bright side, our Filipino classroom's airconditioned. :D (Of all subjects pa naman... weird...)

Thanks to Jiza I had a way home. She allowed me to hitch a ride with her all the way to Shakey's.

I did some weights training upon getting home. I did that 'coz I wanted to release the tension that I gained from that traumatizing diagnostic paper from hell. Oh, I went biking too. I biked around Ateneo, jumping here and there. It felt incredible clearing all those steps and sidewalks. Too bad Jaycee missed it.

Speaking of Jaycee... I do hope we get to establish a biking club in the Ateneo. We'd need to get through a lot of red tape before that even happens though. I guess our dream will eventually materialize around 3rd year.

I look forward to a more promising day tomorrow. Don't let me down Ateneo. :)

Eastwood

She don't care about my car
She don't care about my money
And that's real good because I don't got alot to spend
But if I did it wouldn't mean nothin'

She likes me for me
Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
But what she sees
Are my faults and indecisions
My insecure conditions
And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

She don't care about my big screen
Or my collection of DVD's
Things like that just never mattered much to her
Plus she don't watch to much t.v.
And she don't care that I can fly her
To places she ain't never been
But if she really wants to go
I think deep down she knows that
All she has to say is when

She likes me for me
Not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in "Fargo"
I think his name is Steve
She's the one for me
And I just can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again

And I'm so glad I found her once again

And I'm so glad I found her once again

Gazing at the ceiling as we entertain our feelings in the dark
The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end

She likes me for me
Not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I am such a hottie
I like her for her
Not because she's phat like Cindy Crawford
She has got so much to offer
Why does she waste all her time with me
There must be something there that I don't see

She likes me for me
Not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry
Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey
Unlike the Cable Guy
But what she sees
Is that I can't live without her
My arms belong around her
And I'm so glad I found her once again

I'm so glad I found her once again

...

Don't you just love this song? It's so perfect. Haha

...

Yumi! You drugged me! Lol. That was uberly fun. I wouldn't mind doing that again soon. I just think we need to reduce the amount of alcohol involved next time alright?

...

I might have a chance!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA You rock!!! I can't believe I saw you yesterday ;)

...

I still miss you... You suck. I hate you. Oh whatever.

Utterly Confusing

Nothing will ever stop me from enjoying my life in college.

...

1. You open doors for her wherever you go.
2. You offer to drive her home when she doesn't have a way back to her place.
3. You shield her from the flow of oncoming traffic when crossing the street.
4. You greet her everytime you see her walking your way.
5. You always want what's best for her.
6. You always want to see her smiling, happy and content.
7. You sacrifice time with your friends just to talk on the phone with her.
8. You always think of how she's doing whenever you're apart.
9. You can't seem to stop thinking of her 24/7.
10. Almost everything you see around you, you relate to her.
11. You somehow connect stupid sentimental songs with her name.
12. The very mention of her name makes you jump.
13. You always treasure the times you're together.
14. You keep receipts in your wallet to remind you of those special outings.
15. You constantly stare at her picture for hours on end.
16. You can't help but laugh after saying her name.
17. Her name is the most sacred name on earth for you.
18. You keep most of her messages she sends you in some hidden folder in your mobile phone.
19. You feel like a million bucks after she smiles at you.
20. You like treating her whenever you can.
21. You always look forward to the time you'll meet again.
22. There's no such thing as "Too much time with her".
23. No matter how far she lives, you do your best to visit her.
24. You always want to be there for her.
25. You become insanely jealous when a guy makes her laugh.
26. You photocopy and re-write your old notes to help her out with school stuff.
27. You always have photos with her or of her in your room or your wallet or your PC.
28. You love taking candid shots of her.
29. Her smile melts your heart and makes all the fucked up things that happened to you during your day go away.

30. You keep rambling on and on about her...

* #30. speaks for itself. That's why I'm ending it at that for now. All these are just some signs that you ____ someone.

...

You're so cute. Oh man! You're my crush! And you totally rock. :)

...

Doing the Waltz sucks. Haha. Kidding.

...

I still think of you. It's not like I can totally block you out of my mind. I still care about you. I just wish you'd stop ignoring me and avoiding me. I actually miss you alot... I hate you...

...

I am now a college student of the Ateneo! C2/R2 na toh baby!!!

...

I would love to do something crazy and cool with you again.

No Regrets

I don't want to take back anything I said earlier. I meant what I said. No bullshit included.

I'm not as pissed now. In fact, I'm not brooding over it any longer.

All I need is time I guess. I don't know. I tinge of disappointment is still stinging me... but what the hell right? I have a loooong time to decide on a lot of issues.

ORSEM night tomorrow.

ORSEM

I love ORSEM. Well not all of it... I could do without all of the heat and humidity. I fucking hate it when we have to MOBE. That's stands for Mobilize as in to start moving. Can't we walk? I know I sound selfish saying this, but we could do without all the screaming and sweat.

College is meant to be enjoyed not rushed. Give us a chance to appreciate the surroundings of our new school. I wish too that they could have made the ORSEM a bit more personalised. As in, not cram everyone, as in all 2023 students into one venue. The ventilation really bites in that place. We could have had the ORSEM in different venues. I mean, each course could have had it's own classroom. I know we're doing that already, it's just that, I believe we could have made more progress by having a classroom each per block. Tsss it's not much to ask for.

Or maybe, Ateneo doesn't want its precious halls and rooms to be dirtied up by some rowdy uncouth freshmen. Newbies don't deserve first class treatment so to say. Whatever...

Well, everything else is fun. ;) I really love my block! C2 rocks! Sponsor kami! woohoo hahaha.

Everyone in my block rocks. To name a few... we have Dino, Jiza, Billy, Migo, Erica or is it Erika with a "K"(?), Frannie-Poppins ;) , Earl, Bojo, Hans, Pia, Ivan, Danix, Isabel, Nico and the list goes on. I'm going to love you guys.

Haha, I won't chicken out of a dare that you come up with. I look forward to the next crazy stunt I'll be doing with you.

I love college!

I love red, blue and black too! haha I guess I'll like pink as well. You're yellow tomorrow! You suck! :P hahaha Ay surreee...

TURN YOUR BACK ON ME...FINE

Today, I actually felt really pissed. My day was going really well until that happened. What's up with you anyway??? IS it just me or are you ashamed of me? It's really really turning me off. I try to do something good and that's how you react?

Fine then... Is that how it's going to be? I mean damn... Don't give me such a hard time. I've been through so much already.

I wish all the pretense would just disappear. You're just too good for anyone aren't you?

I can take all the flack you've been giving out...but I can only take so much. Let me ask you again. I wish you could answer me honestly and whole-heartedly.

"Are you ashamed of me?"...

Fine then. Turn away. Avoid me like the plague. Don't talk to me. It's all one way so far. And I don't feel anything from you. I haven't felt anything REAL so far.

NOTHING! NOTHING FUCKING REAL THAT'D BE NICE TO HOLD ON TO DURING TIMES LIKE THIS.

You know... I hate saying all of this. IT FUCKING HURTS FOR EVEN ME TO ADMIT THAT THIS IS EVEN HAPPENING. I wish I didn't have to believe all this horse-shit I'm writing. I wish I wasn't so goddamn nice to you.

But you know, it's all so clear now. Well I don't know really but I think I see something really pathetic in the near future. I wish I could shut up about all of this... Coz... in the end...

It's me who gets hurt not you. I want to stop feeling this way but, you see, I just can't do that. I've never felt this way about anyone else. I'm in so deep... it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to get out.

This is really irritating.

But I cannot forget... I refuse to regret... I'm so glad I met you... You take my breath away... You have this talent that makes everyday worth all of the pain that I have gone through.

All I need is... (sarcastic sadistic laugh)

Haha, I know that's impossible. And I know it's never going to happen.

It's funny how I think I know what the outcome of this would be. I guess I'm just so stuck on you...

...

June

Please define the perfect day for me? Haha

"May 30 was an absolute blast!"

That still is true. But I'd say the perfect day for me happened 3 days ago...May 31/June 1... Why? Here I go... ;)

...

Things just keep on getting better and better. Imagine that! I was so ecstatic when I found out that I could get to see her again!!! I wasn't expecting her to actually push through with watching the dance competition since the previous day, no one was sure about going. Once again, I was taken by surprise.

I picked her up at around 3:30pm in Ateneo.

(She looked so good... Oh man... She wore denims and this light skyblue jacket over a white top. Her white rubber shoes complemented her entire get-up. I just love the way she looked with her hair in a ponytail. ) *drool*... Anyways ;)

We rushed to Megamall coz the affair was due 4pm.
...

I really enjoyed the little "disagreements" we had in the car. I'll leave it at that. Too many details and I might get carried away haha.

...

To make a long story short, we watched the show and I dropped her home. *wink*

(Once again, I wished she didn't have to head home so early...Alas, Tita started calling.)

I drove real slow on the way to Makati... ;)

...

"I wish this never ends..."

...

"Hey... I can't believe May is ending already. This summer was way too short... Imagine that. Tomorrow's already June 1." (I sigh)

"Yeah, I know. I totally agree with you. Everything's happening so fast."

"Please tell me it isn't June 1 tomorrow! I beg you..." ( I whine)

*no reply to this*

~Later that night~

Besty: Oops. Sorry about that man. I just have to answer this text that got in. It'll only take awhile.

Me: Sure. Take your time. Yihee! Sino yan? Ayyyy...

Besty: Oh you know who it is. Haha

Me: That's so sweet. Yuck! Kilig ako para sayo. Heh! Bilisan mo nga! We're still bonding here!

Besty: Okay okay! There, I'm done. Anyways, about that... (gets cut by my phone vibrating on the tabletop)

*Buzz*Buzz*

Me: (thinking aloud) Who the hell could this be? What time is it? It's exactly 12 midnight so who the hell could be texting??

Besty: C'mon already and check it out you f-ing weirdo! Read it and find out who texted rather than waste your brain cells wondering who it could be! Haha

Me: Fine! Haha, gimme a sec.

*OPENING MESSAGE*

(Silence)

Me: (reading...)

A minute passes...

Me: Oh my... Oh man...

... end...

...

Wahoo!!! I felt like jumping off my besty's roofdeck!!! Hahaha I felt like a million bucks that night!

...

Quotable Quote

"Today is the 1st of JUNE. Haha (smiley)"

[ *Sooo kilig at this point* :] * ]

That text makes my entire June rock!

...

Once again, why do you say the most adorable things at the worst times? When i mean the worst times, I mean the times it'll really stick in my head. You have such great timing.

...

The perfect day for me was spending my last day of May with you...

...

I just realized you're the first who greeted me this month... haha you're so amazing... *sigh*

I love your timing...